She chose her way , having had thought it would go far — simple-minded it may seem but I could not even admit that SHE could actually be ME. This could be COVID-19 trauma, or perhaps not, with or without the pandemic, there stands the truth , unchangeable. It always takes some painful falls to get to know oneself. And I agree that oneself is not discovered , it is shaped by how we define it and change it. It grows. To the root, layers and layers of ashes start stacking , those were burnt failed personal moments overlooked. This is a year of pausing and losing and doubting, thus looking into alternatives, and coming to realise what is and what is not. So with this mood, my random poem goes:
Wrapping, spinning and keep going—
She did not care what went towards nowhere or anywhere.
There were no problems , with one blind eye—
But today she stood still and started staring—
Into that big vanity,
Left there, looking back into her eyes, and she saw
The truth lying underneath the words:
Responsibility, Modesty, Bravery, individualism…
All flipped and flew away, like a bee found an empty flower;
A helpless fly had too much of honey;
An ignorant spider kept walking in circles on the ceiling;
Like herself, with a full spirit and then become a balloon deflated.
What was not right? Wanderers searching for a shelter started to feel tired.
What was wrong? A hermit got his phone glued on his arm.
She did not bother with answers and how they flipped – paradoxically ironic comedy.
Nothingness did not create vanity, once having had it perhaps did.
Yet hounding it in your hands and you still having nothing.
And that huge eye of vanity , shouting aloud: This is not how you live—
But she simply sighed, “ What can I do to keep you alive” and Vanity ——
disappeared with the deepest disappointment.
And just like last time, below is an attempt to translate it to Chinese ( this is a fun game):
Oh, the name would just simply be Vanity.
包裹着、 旋转着， 继续啊—
几个词面： 责， 谦、勇和个人主义， 它们底下的真理开始翻转——
Phone screen is shooting out unfriendly lights. I think it might blind me one day if I keep blogging. Not a blogger material after all.
What I really want to say is that trapped at home by coronavirus or by anything else is not a good feeling. There are times we just don’t feel like to do anything and times we want to finish all the things undone. And it’s ok. It seems like balance is broken. Perhaps, tomorrow, the world will renew itself again, as balance will come again and we will get New Balance ( thought I prefer Nike ). Resilience, people! Hold on! Cheer up… and I miss Japanese Buffet, indulgence in food once in a while to keep it going. Not bad.